When I was in college, I planned to be a TV news reporter. I was going to be the one who everyone knew, the one who made the big bucks on the national news network doing something I loved, the one who was confident and informed and successful.
Of course, at the end of my making-headlines-with-my-headlines-day, I would then go home to a loving husband and wonderful children.
I'd have it all.
When I got into college and really started paying attention to the world outside my own little bubble, I was so drawn to be part of it, and in a big, public way. I thought maybe after some years in my successful reporting life I'd run for office or work for some non-profit in some capacity. Maybe I'd then be an "expert" called in for commentary on the day's events, or I'd be some great strategist/press secretary/all-around-important-person for someone's campaign for office.
You know,
I'd be successful.
It's funny how things change. I've always wanted to be a mother, and if you ask my siblings, they'd probably agree that when we were all little I was somewhat of a "second" mother to them (read: extremely loving yet extremely bossy older sister). When I actually became a parent, my world and my worldview changed. People who talked about "having it all" when it came to work and family now seemed like people I couldn't understand anymore. What not long ago had been my dream became, very quickly, not important at all. How can this be, you might ask? What could possibly make my dream of being well-known, financially well-off, important in important circles of people, you know,
successful, fade away?
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| I know I'm biased, but they are just so adorable. |
Like I said, I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but until my first child was born, I didn't know how much it would really change
me. I knew my daily routines would change, but the fundamental change that comes with conceiving and bringing a new life into existence is beyond words. I didn't know that staring at this beautiful little baby would be all I'd want to do for hours on end. I didn't know that waking up at night to nurse her would be so hard but so fulfilling. I didn't know that my dreams for my life would change so much because of such a small person.
That's the thing though...a little baby brings big blessings, big changes, and big dreams that you never realized you had.
So from the day Lauren was born, so was my new dream (well, I had been thinking about it for some time, but it was solidified as a goal right then). I wanted to be home with my child. I hadn't been working for network news -- I was at a job that I liked, but it definitely wasn't the big dream from college. My maternity leave was wonderful, but far too short, and I was back at work after eight weeks and Lauren was in daycare. A month later my company downsized and I lost my job, which was a mixed blessing. I was relieved to be home, but we went from two full-time salaries to one. We knew it would be tough, but we figured we'd be fine....and we were, until a month after that when Sean also lost his job.
Still, we made it by. We were soooo relieved that we had not started building a new home by getting a mortgage based on the jobs we had just lost. That had been the plan, but it had been put on hold for a few months right after Lauren was born. (Sleep deprivation pretty much causes you to function on a level that doesn't include making decisions on anything more than which sweat pants to wear and remembering to buy more coffee.)
About nine months after I lost my job, I started a new one. It was most certainly not what I wanted to be doing and it wasn't where I wanted to be. I did it though, because our family needed it. Every day I cried when I left Lauren at daycare. (We had a wonderful, caring, amazing daycare provider, and I'm so thankful for her.) To be honest, there wasn't a day I didn't cry until the last day she was at daycare. Leaving her there at 7:15 a.m. and picking her up at 5:30 p.m. was extremely difficult on me. A little more than a year later we found out we were pregnant with Thomas, and the dream I had been clinging to became even more important.
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| Thomas at about five months old. |
After Thomas was born, I left that awful job I was at and my dream of being home with our children came true! The change in me and our entire family was unbelievable. I wasn't sad, stressed, or frantic everyday anymore.
I had more than waking two hours with my kids each day. I wasn't getting home at 6:00 p.m., that's when we were eating dinner. My marriage was better (still is) because overall, I was a happier person. I was raising my kids...and since we weren't paying for daycare nor my nearly two hours of daily commuting, we were pretty much in the same financial spot we'd been in while I was working. The past few years have been challenging financially, but such a gift.
I know that in many families, both parents need to work. Honestly, our finances aren't great and we'd be much better off financially if I worked a 9-5 job, but emotionally our family would be worse off. I have no problem with women having careers if that's what they want. Among other things though, I think that women working outside of the home has contributed to the decline of the family.* I happen to think that raising children is the best job there is, and if you can handle your life on one income, that's awesome. (It's incredible what you can do when you want it badly enough, and what you're willing to do without.) I will never think that having someone else raise your kids is what's best. There are people I know who give their kids far more material things than any kid needs, and I sometimes wonder if that's why they have to work so much. Some people I know would be making more with one salary than we would with two, and yet both parents are working like mad. Now, I don't know what kind of debt there might be or what other circumstances go on in particular families, so I guess I can't know if both parents
need to be working. In my mind though, giving your children your time is the best gift there is, so if you can swing it financially, why wouldn't you?
I wish our culture valued life and family more than having the newest pricey gadget so everyone will think we're cool.
Over the past few years I've discovered a new passion -- no longer the put-together news reporter in high heels dream, a much better one than that. I'm a doula. I get to help families welcome their babies, what could be better? Not to mention that it enables me to help support our family and still be home with our children almost all of the time.
My life is beautiful. Not because I make lots of money, but because I'm helping to raise children who are happy and compassionate. They are learning that helping others is important, and they're learning to appreciate the things they have, not constantly want more and more. It's a dream come true not because I'm living in my dream house and have money to buy more and more things, but because my home is filled with love and laughter (and dust, and laundry and dishes in need of washing because
I'm no Martha Stewart, but I don't want to be).
Not because I'm known by "important" people, but because I'm important to the people in my life.
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| Emily at about 10 months old. |
My definition of
successful might not be what the world's is, but I know that having children who are spoiled with love and time instead of being spoiled with electronics and the latest hot toy will help them to lead truly successful lives.
I get to spend my days giving hugs and kisses, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, folding laundry, playing Candyland, watching Sesame Street, changing diapers, vacuuming, teaching my children, playing with my children, laughing with my children, praying with my children, loving my children. This is my dream come true, and I'm so thankful for the life I have. It is a privilege, it is a gift, and I can't imagine it being much better than this.
*To all the work outside the home mothers, especially those who long to be at home: please do not take offense at this post. It is not meant to be a dig against you, it's simply a reminder for myself of why we've chosen the path we have.
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